he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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