Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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