Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
