I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
