Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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