Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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