I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
