my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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