I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
