i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
