Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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