My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I have aggressive nipples.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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