we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
And then he peed in my hair
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