Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
