cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
