saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
