if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
