remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize