Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize