I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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