Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Drunk is not a location!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
