so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
