Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You're like the curious george of whores
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You need a sexual gate keeper
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
