That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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