I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
