I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She's the barista slut.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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