Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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