I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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