Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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