I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
