Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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