You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
