This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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