Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
