Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
