soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
