The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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