I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
