Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
