It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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