I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
