i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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