She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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