i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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