so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
