Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
