i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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