Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
