Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
