Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
