I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
