I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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