I love how my cats smell like pot.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
