Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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