so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
