my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
