I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
